By Marla Garden
I’m a fixer, but I reject being a fixer. I hate to see others struggling and I feel a burden when my loved ones are struggling. I attribute my transfixion on healing and helping others to my femininity; selflessness is taught to girls, especially those that grow up with a Wonder Woman mother who sacrifices everything for her family.
I learned to “get it done” from my father. A rip the bandaid, pour the bucket, go all in philosophy for handling situations. Evaluate the problem, deal with it, and put the solution into play.
I grew up in a healthy environment until drugs started to influence my family. I realized that alcohol was a hereditary detriment to my family. I tried to help my family through their problems, and whether they knew it or not I had my own problems with alcohol and drugs. I yearned for peace and control in a tumultuous home life, and I strived to be everything that my family was not, but I was just like them. I gave up on being a fixer.
I’ve taught myself to conserve my energy. I try to not meddle in other people’s business if it doesn’t directly affect me. I won’t waste my time coddling people who play the victim yet won’t admit their wrongdoings.
Watching someone you love spiral downwards is not easy. Specifically, I am speaking about people with substance abuse problems; whether they be alcoholics or drug addicts. More specifically, people with addiction that refuse to admit their problems, refuse help, will not seek treatment, and will not abstain from substances.
The first thing to know is that no matter what you do, you can’t change someone else’s outcome in life if they are an addict. Addiction and alcoholism are diseases. For brevity, I am going to use “addicts” and “addiction” to speak about both drug addicts/addiction and alcoholics/alcoholism. Addiction is not a choice. I cannot make an addict abstain or admit that they have a problem. Neither can you, and nor should you try.
I’m all for being supportive of people who are in a tough situation. However, addicts will cross the line with you. They may not be trying to hurt you but they will look out for their own skin; they will do whatever they can to stay in their comfortable bubble of numbness, whatever they can to get their fix. Support your loved ones if they are seeking recovery, but do not coddle someone who is not willing to change.
The easier you make it for someone to get clean, the easier it will be for them to fall back into their old routine. The only person who can help an addict is themself. After acknowledging that they have a problem, they must make the change. Again, no one can force the change onto an addict. They must decide to do it themselves.
Here’s where it gets tough. You want to help, you want to see them succeed, you know they want to feel joy, happiness, and prosperity. You want to guide them, and you can try, but from my experience, it won’t last. Unless you are certified to aid in addiction you may not be able to help. You can’t help by simply loving someone. You will drain yourself by bailing them out, helping them, giving them a hand over and over.
If they can’t stop, they won’t seek treatment, and won’t admit to themselves and others that they are doing wrong; you are going to have to watch them crash and burn.
Crash and burn. I’ve heard that phrase so many times, it scared me at first. For many addicts, it is the only way. I heard that my brother needed to crash and burn in order to overcome drug addiction. He struggled with addiction and sobriety; for years he was in a constant volley between the two opposing teams. I didn’t cut him off, I tried to be a friend, I didn’t snitch on him, I covered for him. The bottom line is that I didn’t help at all. If anything, I helped him avoid his crash and burn.
Crash and burn, hit rock bottom, fall on your a**. Not having anyone to help you up, having to be self reliant and self sufficient. If your loved one is playing the victim while continuing to act in ways that hurt themselves and you, cut them off. Let them crash and burn. Let them figure it out on their own. If you’re scared of what will possibly happen to them, I understand that. I was scared of what would happen to my brother for a long time and I had to switch to being objective about the situation. My objectivity saved my sanity; I went into survival mode and I didn’t allow myself to be hurt by his actions.
When I started to objectively evaluate the possible outcomes of addiction, I came up with this:
- They are going to get clean, relapse, and repeat for the rest of their lives.
- They are going to go to jail for a substance related crime (buying/selling drugs, DUI.)
- They are going to die. Either from overdose, a substance related accident, or otherwise die without having freedom from their addiction.
Whether an addict lives or dies in misery, I won’t hold myself accountable for their pain. If they are going to get clean, they must do it on their own. I’ve tried different approaches with handling the pain and trying to help. I’ve been the sister, the friend, and the child. I’ve been supportive, I’ve been an enabler, and then I’ve cut people off. I promise you that cutting someone off will not eliminate your pain, but it will ease your pain. Cutting someone off will make them hate you, and they will flounder without support, but they will be left with options. They will rise from the ashes or they will spiral downwards. Either way, it is not your life, and in the end your life is most important.
