By Jayna Anderson
IG: @snowleoppy
Hey you! Ever wonder, “What’s up with Instagram?” Lucky for you, I am a professional instagrammer. I get paid to Instagram. And I want you to have as much success as I don’t have. Use my techniques to gain an instant following!
Instagram Beauty. Has anyone seen the duck lip suckers? Go buy one now!!! You place your lips in a squeezy rubber vacuum that essential gives you major lip hickeys. I’m talking lip hickeys until you bleed. Your lips will get so swollen, that someone will likely call 911 in fear of you having an allergic reaction. However, if you utilize the Kylie Jenner lip kit and point every flashlight you own at your face before taking a selfie, you will soon have 12k followers overnight. This is a proven fact. Post a video of you with 4 inch wide lips once a week for follower retention.
Artists, listen up. You will never make a living off of your art, but you can reach six figure followers if you pay attention to my method. Wealth is what you make of it, am I right? Make sure you have a consistent posting of photos that include “ironic” things like your musty sock, some weed crumbs, and a bottle of pee. Next post a selfie with your nipple hair peeking out. I don’t care who you are, we all know you have nipple hair and you need to post it. Even though you have never read anything longer than a tweet, you need to prove that you have read a book. Order an 800 page Murakami book online, throw it at your wall a few times to achieve the worn look, light a candle next to it and snap a flick. Watch the followers pour in. You can, of course, take the risk and actually post your artwork. Just beware that you will lose followers every single time you do this.
Plants. You own plants, post photos of the plants, tag #jungalow, enjoy your new 33k followers.
Animal Videos. This is for the user who cares less about followers, and more about tags and likes. You need to search the internet for animal videos. Find those videos, and upload them as blurry as possible to your Instagram. If it’s not pixelated, they aren’t watching. Hashtag the shit out of it. Who cares what you tag, just tag it.
Marijuana. So you smoke, well that’s about 500 followers. You don’t even need to post the weed, just the fact that you smoke it should bring the people in. However, that’s not enough. I’m not saying your greedy, I’m just being honest. Post the weed. I want to see the hairs. Get me photos of the hairs. Now, roll a king size joint and take a time lapse of you smoking it alone in your bathroom. Post. Next, take a picture of your eye after smoking said joint. Go live, smoke a joint. Go live, smoke a blunt. Go live, smoke your bong. Tag it up. Use every hashtag you got. Eat a bowl of cereal after you smoke, who doesn’t love cereal when they smoke. Post the cereal, tag the cereal, thank the cereal company. Find other people who like to smoke on IG and invite them over for a smoke. Who cares if they live in Thailand, they’re still smoking weed, invite them over. Fellas, unfortunately you’ll max out at about 3k followers no matter what. But ladies! If you tag #girlswhosmoke, I reckon you’ll gain 70k follower in one night.
That’s all the advice I can give. If you don’t have an account with one of these 5 themes, good luck, you’re going to need it.
